jess, senior. okc/boston

I used to write depressing journal entries, and after I got into trouble shortly after my birthday, I felt like I had to reinvent myself. So I tore them to shreds. Every single page. Thousands of words worth of writing. This will be different.
Reinventing yourself is not a bad thing. It doesn’t mean that you were a bad person before. I feel the need to not necessarily reinvent myself, but become myself again, find myself again. I wandered too far and lost myself for a little.
I feel good. It almost seems like the world is moving too fast for me, and I lost myself trying to catch up. I feel good now though. Not having my phone for a mere two weeks was possibly one of the best things that happened all summer. As cheesy as it sounds, not having my eyes glued to my phone screen (or any screen for that matter) or my phone attached to my hand at all times, opened my eyes to my surroundings. I went peach picking, blackberry picking, wrote some letters, bought new records, tried a new church, and ran my own camp for kids in my neighborhood. They seem like simple things, and they are, but without my phone I felt better and like I was actually there instead of partly there and partly somewhere else with my phone.
I have been going to therapy twice a week for the past three weeks. I have learned more about myself in the five hours I spent in therapy that I have known about myself my whole life. I am much more aware of myself and who I actually am. My so-called “gift of God” is peace, which means I cannot stand conflict and when I am in the middle of conflict I see every person’s point of view, which causes me to almost turn into the person I am trying to understand and lose myself in the process. I will almost never tell you somewhere I actually want to go eat for dinner in fear that you will not want to go to the same place. I can never form my own opinion on controversial topics (or any topic in general) because I don’t want to have to argue my point and cause conflict with the person I am arguing with. Any worries or inner conflicts will stay buried inside of me until someone digs them out. I am a mediator. I like to keep everyone happy, basically. This seems like something that I would have known my whole life, and I kind of did, but not all pulled together like this. I would have never brought all of these factors together and come to the conclusion that this means I am peaceful. More like someone who cannot make up their mind and is indecisive and never knows what they want and does what everyone else does. I may come off as someone who can easily be manipulated because of these qualities I happen to have, but this is actually not true. This does not mean I do not form my own opinions or I don’t know where I want to eat or I don’t know what movie I want to see, etc, I just don’t like to voice what I think. As crazy as it sounds, I sometimes feel like if I voice my opinion or say what I think or what I want to do, and someone doesn’t agree with me, I will lose him or her. I will get the message that that person doesn’t care about me, or what I think. So I hold back. I am currently in the process of breaking that chain and waking up to myself. The most important part is not getting what you want and constantly arguing with people and winning a fight, the point is simply making your voice heard. That’s honestly all that matters. And when it comes to picking out a place to eat with Mom, I will voice loud and clear what I don’t like, but oddly, can’t seem to say where I do want to go. Funny how that works.




blazin??? more like prayzin stay in church

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smoking we’d

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"I forgave everybody, I gave up, I got drunk."
Jack Kerouac, On the Road (via perfect)

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adventured on horses through a jungle and came across this place




More nature here

Handmade collage.

Oops silly potato


a new show entitled, “keeping up with my loser blog”

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